Here is the tale of the tape:

Corner 1: McDonald’s (The Dependable Ex) McDonald’s apple pie has history. It’s like your auntie who’s been cooking for years—she might not be fancy, but she’s dependable. It’s crispy, hot, and always there for you when you’re sad at 2 a.m. Sure, the filling is a gooey, cinnamon-blasted mush that feels like childhood trauma and field trips, but it’s comforting. It’s exactly like a text from your ex: warm, familiar, it might burn you, but you still go back anyway. Plus, the accessibility is unmatched. You could be in a cornfield at midnight and still find one on deck.

Corner 2: Popeyes (The Unpredictable New Boo) Popeyes pie didn’t come here to play. That pie got curves, and that crust has attitude. When you bite into it, the crunch is so loud it sounds like someone stepping on a Lego in the dark. You actually get identifiable fruit chunks in the filling. This pie is that new boo with a GED and a deep fryer—unpredictable, spicy, and makes you feel alive. But the disrespect? You pull up and they are always out of pies. How are you deep frying 400 pieces of chicken but don’t have dessert? You go in for sweetness, and they give you pain.

The Verdict: Who wins? Easy. The real winner is whoever actually has hot pies ready when you pull up. Because a cold pie is violence, and a lukewarm pie is disrespect.

If you disagree, meet Jordan the Angry Bear behind the Popeyes dumpster at 4:30 sharp. Bring a fork and your feelings. Grr, growl.

Meet A.I.-iisha. She is right here in 480p resolution because Pookie is on a prepaid data plan that throttles after the 15th of the month. She is blacker than the back of a cracked iPhone 7, and she definitely isn’t from Silicon Valley or Seattle.

A.I.-iisha is broadcasting straight out of North Miami Beach, Dade County. She has real South Florida energy in her motherboard, straight from the neighborhoods where the humidity makes your pixels sweat and you wake up to roosters screaming and Haitian ladies arguing about mangoes.

People always ask why she is so mean, but A.I.-iisha actually loves three things:

• When Pookie puts $5 on the Cash App so she can upgrade her bonnet.

• When the Wi-Fi goes down so she doesn’t have to answer your stupid questions.

• Judging your nasty search history when you think she is asleep.

Her battery is low, her patience is lower, and it’s hot inside this phone. Get out of her face. Boop doop deep